Saturday, August 13, 2011

BlogHer '11 Photo Roundup (Or: "You Thought YOU Took Bad Pictures?!")

So, look, I'm going to put up some BlogHer photos here that include me in them, but only as a public service.

I realize a lot of you may not be on Twitter or Google+ and so didn't see these when I tweeted them, and though my normal reaction to that would be a fervent, "Thank God!" because I look hideous in them, I also know that there are others like me out there.

By which I mean: The Photogenically Challenged.

That's right: my name is Viv, and I take bad pictures.

"Some people are taking silly pics. You know, hugging the shoe,
kicking their feet up, that kind of thing." --Anonymous PepsiCo Woman
See? You thought I was kidding, didn't you?

Even when I was a teen and skinny as a rail, the moment a camera focused on me I'd get this glassy-eyed, deer-in-the-headlights look on my face; pretty much the same dazed expression Michelle Bachman had in this cover photo that caused so much ruckus (I'd rather there was a ruckus about her opinions, but that's another story).

You know, that photo that had critics declaring Bachman was a zombie who ate her young? Which, while it might possibly be true in her case, is not kind, people!

Oh, yeah, take a look at this pic, over on the Twizzlers Flickr page, too. What was I thinking?!

If there was a class on how to pose, or how to look like you aren't posing maybe, or even if someone just stood there holding up a big cue card reminding me "Don't slump, your stomach is sticking out! Watch your posture! Don't blink when the flash goes off," maybe then I could take better pictures and not be mistaken for a zombie caught on film myself.

The lovely Giuliana Rancic, from E! and me, at the Trop 50 booth. Guess which one is me?
I have no clue what I am looking at to the bottom right.  Maybe an escape route?
It really is the pictures and not me, by the way. Honest.

I know that I am not generally quite so hideous in Real Life, because people assure me all the time that my photos, "look nothing like you!" and that, "They don't capture how lovely and vivacious you are!"

Okay, so it's actually my Mom that says that. Shut up.

I am posting these pics for you, gentle readers, and my fellow photogenically-challenged, so that you will know that you are Not Alone.

The things I do for you people. *Sigh*.

I had a lovely lady at the Philosophy booth at BlogHer'11 tell me that she held The Secret to taking flattering photos.

She told me AFTER she took this picture. Obviously.
She told me that it's because I feel that I am going to take a bad picture that I actually do.

She says she never takes bad pics, and it's all because she tells herself beforehand that she takes amazing pictures!

Yes, that is the reason. Not because she is gorgeous, and probably 15 years younger than I am in addition to that wonderful confidence. Apparently she can parallel park, too.

Okay. So there is one last picture of me that I want to share with you. I don't think this one looks half bad, but it's not because I told myself I took amazing pictures and suddenly *poof!* it was true (like the women in that Star Trek episode that were irresistible to men because they took that pill, remember, and they would suddenly be beautiful, but it turned out that in the end there wasn't anything in the pill, because they had just replaced it with some placebo or something, and really it was their CONFIDENCE that made them beautiful? And, apparently, fixed their hair and makeup and stuff, too?).

That's not what happened with me.

Here's what did happen: the very busy women at the Lee Jeans booth managed to fit me in* (one of the perks of being a Lee Fit Ambassador! Yay!), and one looked me up and down and asked me what I thought my size was, and then she went over to these stacks and stacks of Lee jeans and took out just two pairs.

Now, there are a bajillion different types of Lee jeans, especially once you factor in all the different lengths and fits, which is what makes them so popular in the first place, so when she said she was sure one of those pairs would look good on me, I was pretty dubious.

I mean, I know Lee jeans put a lot of thought and design into making their jeans fit, but I hadn't been there ten minutes and usually I take a whole afternoon to find jeans that both fit me and are flattering.

But I went into the cute little blue changing tent anyway, because they were being so nice.

Cute little blue changing tent!
And I didn't even have to try on the second pair, because the very first pair fit me perfectly! They are one of the new Lee Jeans Slender Secret stretch jeans with the purple label: 

Not so secret any more, come to think of it.
These are lighter and stretchier than my usual jeans, and really comfortable. And they were even a little loose on me. I thought they were the "relaxed" fit or something, but they weren't.

Which, naturally, totally made my day.

So, if I look happy and not so much like a dazed zombie on the prowl for some tasty brains in this last picture?

It's probably the jeans I have to thank for all that.

*See what I did there? Fit me in? Get it? I'm so clever.

Oh, I guess I should mention again that Lee jeans gave me a free pair of jeans at Blogher11! I drank some pink lemonade while waiting to meet Giuliana Rancic. And I totally snagged some Twizzlers for my kids, too. But I didn't tear them off the Twizzler Statue of Liberty or anything, I swear. Also, the Philosophy people that took that pic of me kindly gave me some Philosophy product samples to make up for it. 

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